I'm In Therapy

Wanted to follow up with you guys on my recent post about anxiety. I shared that one of the ways I have been coping has been by going to therapy. Now I’m going to be totally honest with you guys and say that I resisted therapy for so long because I had some strong opinions about it. I thought therapy was for people who were totally broken and not self aware enough to solve their own problems. Going to therapy also meant admitting that my problem was too big for me to handle and that was WAY too scary to come to terms with. After years of trying to “think my way out of anxiety” and rationalize with myself, I was still stuck in a daily cycle of unexplainable fear about dying, going crazy, failing at my career, failing at relationships, etc. I came to a point where I accepted that I COULDN’T do it on my own. That was pretty scary, but I realized that living with uncontrollable anxiety for the rest of my life was way scarier. I researched therapists within my medical network (another trigger for me because just the PROCESS of looking for a doctor is so overwhelming to me) and finally found someone nearby. My first time going to the office my heart was pounding. I remember sitting in the waiting room and it was like there were 100 red alarms going off in my brain saying RUN. I entered the room and sat down to meet my therapist. My current anxiety revolved around not knowing what to say. I’m a people pleaser and I hate awkward silences so I felt an immediate obligation to just speak. I tried my hardest to present myself in the best, most normal please don’t think I’m a crazy person kind of way. Funny thing is after we got the general “tell me about yourself” stuff out of the way (I HATE THAT QUESTION) I just started word vomiting. The thing that I have learned about therapy is that it’s OKAY to not know what to say. When you start talking out loud to someone else about your life things just come out and your therapist is able to take the pieces of what you are saying and figure out how to guide the conversation. Your brain knows exactly what it needs to process even if you don’t.

Another misconception I had about therapy is that it is a quick fix or only takes a few sessions. Therapy is something you invest in. You build a relationship with your therapist. Therapy peels back all the layers that make up your self. It’s important to give it time and just fully dive into the process. Even if you aren’t presently experiencing trauma there are so many things you can learn about yourself just by talking to someone who isn’t in your circle. I always thought talking to family or friends was the same thing as a therapist but it is NOT. Everyone in your life, whether they want to admit it or not, has a bias because they have their own version of you in their head. A therapist is able to make observations about you and your relationships that just isn’t possible to get from someone you actually know. I pride myself on being extremely self aware and I’ve had many moments in therapy where I was like “wow I was way too close to the situation I’ve never thought about it from that perspective”. 

It’s been about 7 months of bi-weekly therapy for me so I’m still very new to all of this. But I will say that I wish I had started sooner. I’m not “cured” but I do have far more coping tools and a better understanding of how to break negative patterns that I fall into. Therapy doesn’t mean YOU are broken. It means accepting that we ALL are broken in one way or another and seeking help to process that brokenness doesn’t make you weak…It makes you a strong, resilient fighter who is brave enough to better your quality of life.

Also I'll leave you with this meme that had me ROLLING lol

Love you all, 

Caleb